Parenting Ideas (Tag: therapy)

Grief is painful

Grief is painful - grieving the loss of a relationship or the loss of your dreams for your children or any other loss is painful. But we must experience the pain and process the loss to be able to move past it. If when you are uncomfortable with the pain you quickly distract yourself or focus on something else - the grief and pain will remain and cause frustration and anger - instead work through it the pain - allow yourself to feel it and it will become less painful. We live in a world of quick fixes - fixing the pain of grief only transforms it into other negative emotions - releasing and dealing with the pain allows us to move forward and truly heal.

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Separating Therapy from Real Life

Separating Therapy from Real Life - it is important for your child to feel safe in therapy. One of the hardest things for parents to do is to ignore some of the hurtful things that happen in therapy. Some of our children will say some hurtful or upsetting things in therapy and if a parent reacts negatively or punitively to them during the course of real life - the child will be less likely to open up in therapy.

Try to think of therapy as it's own self contained world. You may gain insight but other times you may have to deal with rage or pain or even avoidance that is frustrating or painful. Leave those negative feelings in therapy - remembering that if your child learns to feel safe in therapy that progress can be made.

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Lighting

Lighting - in movies lighting plays a key role. It can do so in your own daily routine. When your children are doing homework make sure there is good lighting to read by - not overly bright but not too dim. For dinners, you may find that dimming the lights gives a friendlier and quieter time. If you do not have the ability to dim the lights - consider some white Christmas lights plugged in near the dinner table could give that light and add a festive feeling.

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The Early Bird Catches Some Calm

The early bird catches some calm - if you know you are going to have a hectic day, consider getting up a little bit earlier - even just 15 minutes - and meditate or have a cup of coffee or tea or hot chocolate and just relax. Those 15 minutes of calm can help you manage the rest of the chaotic day with a lot more patience and ability to manage the chaos.

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For those moments...

For those moments when you just cannot think of anything positive to say to your child - just smile and say I love you. No arguing, no debating, don't get caught up in the drama - just simply smile and say I love you.
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One Person's Healing Changes Everyone

One person's healing changes everyone - When one person (even a child) heals - everyone must change. Change is hard - we as humans find comfort in the status quo, even if it was chaotic and tiring - that is what we knew - and to change is hard.

Accept that change is hard and that it is ok to feel all sorts of different feelings. If the person has tried to change many times and you believed in them so many times - it may be hard to even allow yourself to believe this time is different. That is ok.

Understand that the roles people play and the dynamics will change - and allow the change even if it makes you uncomfortable. Some people may be less likely to change right away - just make sure you let them know you understand and it is ok - but we all must work on learning how to be a healthier, more functional family.

So often we think - if only that person would follow the rules or stop raging or accept consequences - everything will be better. But when that person does do what you were hoping, you find that you expect them to fail - you do not believe it is permanent - you find you are not sure what will happen now. It really does require that we all allow ourselves to adapt to the new circumstances - much like we adapted to the old circumstances.

Change is almost always hard and uncomfortable - just be ok with the discomfort and willing to change your frame of mind.

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness - Forgetting and Forgiving are 2 different things. Forgetting someone wronged or hurt you would be to set yourself up for being wronged or hurt that way again. Forgiving though is something you do for yourself not for the person who wronged or hurt you.

Our children often hurt us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually due to the way trauma shaped their lives. We should not forget what they have done because it helps us dodge some of those hurtful behaviors in the future but we need to forgive and let go of the hurt so we do not waste that energy and space on the negative.

It is hard to forgive when we have been hurt over and over but we must remember that our children were shaped by early childhood trauma and their brains do not react the same way as a child who was not exposed to that trauma. In order for our child to grow and overcome their past we must forgive and let go of that hurt so we can see the changes they are making.

I know from my own experiences that this is often very hard to do. But forgiving will give you back the energy and positivity that you need to keep being a loving parent to your child.

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Building Bonds with Blocks

Building Bonds with Blocks - As a parent we often watch, direct, discipline, teach our children and of course still have housework, meals, dishes and laundry to do. We often get so wrapped up in what we have to do - we forget to take time to have fun with our child (especially if they are hard to have fun with). Working together - building with blocks - can help build loving bonds between you and your child.

I doesn't have to be a long time - just take out some blocks and start building near your child. Let them build with you or knock down. Work together or separately on buildings - just be at their level and enjoy yourself.

Consider large cardboard blocks as a possibility. They are light weight and you can build actual forts with them Enjoy building - enjoy being Godzilla and knocking things down. Enjoy building bonds with your child.

Sturdy, cardboard building blocks are lightweight yet strong! Made of premium, heavy-grade cardboard and feature a wipe-clean surface. Easy assembly. Ages 2+ 19 x 12.5 x 7 40 pcs<
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Allowing Big Feelings

Allowing "Big Feelings" - so often as parents we just want to make our children feel better. We want to fix them. We don't want them to hurt or feel bad or even be angry because inside we often feel like if our child is not happy then we are not good parents.

We must let our children have their "big feelings". We need to show them we can keep them safe and will be there for them and they know we can hold a safe space for them to let our their feelings.

If your child is raging, make sure they are safe and let them let the rage out - you can discuss it later when they are calm - but let them see you will not run away of their big emotions.

If your child is crying, often it is good to let them cry it out and work with them later on what is making them sad but for that moment, let them know it is ok to cry and to let out their emotions and you will be there.

Often if we are so uncomfortable with their big feelings that we try to stop the feelings, we are showing our children we are uncomfortable around them and cannot help them which makes them shut down even more and pull away from us.

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Who are you?

Who are you? - I remember the moment I became a mom - I lost my name I was now X's mom. Part of keeping your sanity while raising your child(ren) is to keep the part of you that is not x's mom - alive. Find something you enjoy doing - maybe something you did in the past or maybe you will find something different. Maybe it is reading books for "fun" (not reading parenting or medical book). Maybe it is watching a comedy. Find time to be who you are when you are not mom or dad or whatever that title is. It is hard to do in our chaotic lives but something that is well worth it for you well being now and in the future.

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